5)

"You know how whenever someone young dies unexpectedly, everyone seems to have nothing but glowing praise for the person?"
"Yeah?"
"Does that mean that being extraordinarily nice raises your chances of dying early?"
"No. People just say nice things about the deceased because it's more comforting to focus on the good memories..."
"Yeah, I think I'm right here."
"Whatever."
"So anyway, I was thinking about it... and I think the key to living a longer life is to be an insufferable dick to everyone."
"That's pretty silly."
"I mean, you never hear about 20 year old assholes dying in a tragic bus accident. So it has to be that death just likes sniping off people that are actually liked."
"I don't think you have anything to worry about..."
"So I think from now on, I'm going to just be an asshole--and then I'm going to live till I'm 100, and it's going to be great."
"I don't think that you actually have to-"
"Dude, shut the fuck up."