21)

“So… what you are saying is that you’ve never seen “2001: A Space Odyssey” before?”
“Yep.”
“…how?”
“I don’t know.”
“You do know that it’s pretty much the greatest science fiction movie of all time, right?”
“If you say so…”
“Not to mention it’s considered to be one of the most important and influential films of all time....”
“Well, I’ve never heard of it before, so...”
“How the hell have you never heard of it?”
“I don’t know.”
“This is just… oh, this boggles my mind.”
“I’m not a big movie person, like you are.”
“You should be watching the damn thing right now, really...”
“Maybe not now, but…”
“Seriously. I mean, you should have seen it already.”
“Well... again, I hadn’t heard of it before now.”
“That’s really not a good excuse.”
“…I feel like it is.”
“It isn’t.”

20)

“Do you know how many friends I have on Facebook?”
“How many?”
“I have 300 friends on Facebook.”
“OK. Are you bragging about this or…?”
“Do you know how many of those friends I actually talk to in real life?”
“I don’t know.”
“Three. I talk to about three.”
“So? What’s the point?”
“I mean, it didn’t always use to be that way… I used to actually talk to quite a few of them--or hang out... do things. But now it’s just… the only way I ever communicate is through a stupid website.”
“I mean, you still have people’s phone numbers, right?”
“Yeah. Some.”
“Then you can still talk to them. Just pick up the phone and arrange a time to hang out with them.”
“Yeah, but…”
“It’s not that hard, really.”
“I know, it’s just…”
“…?”
“…talking to them on Facebook’s much easier.”

19)

“You know what?”
“What?”
“I’m just gonna go ahead and say it…”
“……..yes?”
"Just gonna get it off my chest... say it out loud, and if anyone disagrees... so be it."
"...what is it?"
"..."
"..."
“Back in the day, The Simpsons was a great show.”
"..."
"It really was."
“…umm, way to go out on a limb there.”
“What?”
“You made it sound like you were going to say something that everyone didn't already agree upon.”
"Huh? Does everybody love The Simpsons?"
"Uhh... yeah."
"Oh."
"..."
"Are you sure?"

18)

“…so yeah. All told, I think it’s his best album in about 10 years or so. It’s that good.”
“Wait a minute…”
“What?”
“Is the album even out yet?”
“…um, no. It’s out in about three weeks.”
“Oh. So you’re one of those people.”
“What?”
“You download every little thing illegally.”
“Well—I mean—"
“You do realize that you are stealing, right?”
“Well—"
“And it’s not even about the fact that most of the record companies make craploads of money, although it does screw over all the little guys who worked on the album too. It’s the fact that you’re basically taking something that isn’t meant to be free. ”
“Well—"
"It's created this whole culture where everything is taken for granted--you're not really enjoying what you're listening to because it means nothing to you, you gave up nothing to acquire it. So the actual piece of music means nothing to the user--as long as it's conveniently accessed, that's all that matters."
"..."
“And the worst part is that people just download every little bit of music they can get their hands on—and then they maybe spend a brief moment with each piece, and then just forget about it and move on to some other piece of music you've downloaded. So you’re not even enjoying what you steal—you’re basically stealing for the hell of it.”
“…”
“I don't know. It just kind of irks me, is all.”
“They’ve been streaming the album on their website.”
“…oh?”
“It’s been there for a couple weeks, actually.”
“Well then. I didn’t mean to accuse you in that case.”
“Well… I mean, I downloaded it anyway, but…”

17)

“It’s so damn cold out…”
“It’s really not that bad.”
“30 degrees? It could be better.”
“Come on. 30 degrees is pleasant weather for the fall.”
“Right… do you know that it’s currently about 75 in Georgia? I know someone who lives there, and she has a picture of her 3 year old daughter playing with a pumpkin while in a kiddie pool!”
“---"
“A kiddie pool!”
“I heard you. But so what?”
“So what? It’s nice down there but it isn’t here!”
“So? Embrace the weather. Plus, since it’s getting closer to the holidays, that kid is going to see all the snow on the television and wonder why the hell her Christmas involves unyielding stretches of grass. She will never ever experience a true holiday season, like you and I will.”
“Yeah, but....”
“It’s true.”
“Does a true holiday season involve being cold and miserable all the time?”
“Well… yeah.…. but in a good way.”

16)

“How’s it going?”
“Good. It’s been ages, man.”
“Yeah. What—last time we talked was about…”
“Two years?”
“Yeah. Two years? How the hell has it been that long?”
“I don’t know. Just been busy, I suppose…”
“Yeah. I guess I have been too.”
“It’s great to see you, though.”
“Yeah. You too. So what’s new, man? How has life treated you the past few years?”
“…………life's OK.”
“…good.”
“…”
“…”
“I’m not really good at catching up with people, so… I don’t really know what to say.”
“Well… I’m not really good at it either.”
“This is probably the reason why I haven’t called you in two years.”
“Yeah…”

15)

“So do you think you can complete this project I have for you by Friday?”
“Well, I’ll try to get it done. It is a lot to do…”
“John, do or do not.”
“…?”
“There is no try.”
“…”
“…”
“Yeah, I’ll *try*.”
“Did you not just hear what I said?”
“You do realize that you’re asking me to do this thing—which usually takes two weeks to complete with two people working on it—by myself and finish in half the time, right?”
“It’s all about attitude, John. If you take on the task with confidence that you can complete it, your work will be more productive and easy.”
“This isn’t going to be—“
“John, do or do not—no trying.”
“…well then, I guess I’ll 'do not.'”
“Not the attitude to have. How about do? Are you going to do this project?”
“…I’ll try.”

14)

“Have you ever wondered what it would be like if you suddenly ceased thinking?”
“…what?”
“I mean… one day, you’re contemplating life and what to do at the moment, or whatever… and then all of a sudden your thoughts stopped, and you never used your brain again in that way?”
“What, like a zombie?”
“No! Not like a zombie… well, I mean maybe. But not really. Like… you still were cognizant of reality around you, but you just went through life without giving anything a moment of contemplation.”
“That still sounds a lot like a zombie to me.”
“It’s not. It’s different.”
“But that's what zombies do...”
"No. Zombies try to eat your brains. I'm not talking about brain eating here."
"But in the sense that a--"
"No. We're not talking about zombies."
"OK. Fine..."
“Anyway… I was thinking about it, and I was thinking that it would be nice from time to time… just to tune everything out like that.”
“Yeah, I always thought it might be kind of cool to be zombi--I mean...um--”
“Jesus! Not talking about zombies!”
“Sorry!"
"..."
"..."
"Well that philosophical moment was ruined."

13)

“Hey, I know you.”
“Do you?”
“Yeah, you look familiar. You go to school here, right?”
“…yeah?”
“And did you take that one Indian Film class with that crazy ornery Jewish lady?”
“Yeah. Yeah I did.”
“Yeah. I remember you. You used to come in late all the time.”
“Well—“
“And you used to always sit in the third row. Except this one time when the third row was completely full… and I think you were thinking about taking a chair from the fourth row and just shoehorning yourself into the third, but you ended up just sitting in the fourth row.”
“Uhh…”
“And you gnawed on your pencil erasers a lot. And every time the teacher called on you, you replied in a very snarky way… which always pissed off the teacher, but I’m not sure if you ever realized that.”
“…”
“Yeah… so are you that guy?”
“… yep.”
“Cool………… I realize now that what I’ve just said may come off as stalker-ish, but I promise it’s not, really. I just have an extremely good memory.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“So then... you remember my name?”
“….............no.”

12)

“So, wanna go catch a movie somewhere, or maybe hit up a few places downtown?”
“No, I was actually thinking about going to bed.”
“…it’s 7 PM.”
“I know.”
“Why so early? What the hell am I going to do tonight?”
“I don’t know. It’s just that I haven’t been sleeping well. For the past few nights I’ve been waking up at 3 AM for some reason, and then I can’t fall back asleep.”
“That sucks.”
“Yeah. So I was thinking that maybe I could go to sleep now, and if I still wake up at 3 AM, I’ll have at least gotten a full 8 hours of sleep. Instead of the three hours I’m getting now.”
“Is that actually going to work?”
“Don’t know. But it’s worth a shot.”
“Well, what if your problems stem not from waking up at 3 AM, but rather that you just can’t get more than 3 hours of sleep? And you’ll just wake up at 10 PM instead?”
“I don’t know. We’ll cross the bridge if we get there.”
“Would you want to head out if you do wake up at 10?”
“Umm, sure. That sounds OK.”
“Cool.”
“…”
“…”
"..."
“I’m probably going to wake you up at 10 anyway.”
“Goddammit...”

11)

“Excuse me, sorry… excuse me.”
“Yes?”
“Are you… that guy?”
“What?”
“I mean, you look like this one actor that I’m thinking of…”
“No, I’m not him.”
“Really? Cause you really look like him.”
“Well, who are you thinking of?”
“I don’t know. I’m trying to come up with it.”
“Well, what kind of movies has he been in?”
“Hold on… hold on…”
“…”
“…”
“…”
“Can't think of any of his movies either.”
“Then how the hell do you recognize me?”
“I don’t know. You just really look like him.”
“OK. Well—“
“Sound like him, too. Seriously, are you just pulling my chain right now? Are you actually the guy I'm thinking of?”
“No. No I'm not.”
“...say something that he would say. Just to be sure.”
“The guy whose name you don’t know, whose work you’re not even familiar with?”
“Just want to see if it rings a bell.”
“God… umm… “by the power of Great Thor’s hammer"... is that alright?”
“…”
“…”
“That’s not something he would say.”
“I know.”

10)

"You know what I'm going to do?"
"What?"
"I'm going to completely start over."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah. As in, I'm going to change everything. I'm gonna quit my job, sell off everything I have, and move to Montana or Idaho or some other place no one lives. I'm gonna shave my head... or grow a beard, or something like that. Gonna be a completely different person, gonna do things that actually matter to people--and I'm gonna not be a complete failure."
"Sounds pretty dramatic."
"It's going to be extremely great for me, I think."
"Yeah, but you're probably not going to do it."
"...goddamnit."
"Sorry. Just telling it like it is."
"I know. I just hate you, that's all."

9)

“Who wrote the book of love?”
“…isn’t that a song?”
“Yeah.”
“A really old song, too?”
“It’s also a question I’ve been asking myself quite frequently…”
“…good for you.”
“You know how it is. Sometimes I get into these really philosophical moods—and I sit, and ponder life’s burning questions. Sometimes I come up with answers. Sometimes I come up with more questions.”
“…OK.”
“And I was listening to the oldies station the other day, and this song came on. And it’s been stuck in my head ever since, but it’s not because the song is just extremely catchy or anything. I think it’s because I feel like’s there’s so little I know about love—you know, how to properly show the world and people I care just how much they mean to me.”
“Umm…”
“And I keep wondering what it would be like to meet the person who wrote the book of love. And I wonder what he’d look like, what he does for a living. And I wonder what sort of wisdom he would impart on me. And I wonder if he—or she, I guess—would be married, or if they’re more of a free love type of person.”
“Umm…”
“Those sort of questions, you know? Anyway, that’s what I wonder about.”
“Dude…”
“Yeah?”
“This is a stupid conversation.”

8)

“Oh hey, guess who is $300 richer?”
“How’d you manage that?”
“One of my grandmas sent me a check in the mail randomly.”
“That’s pretty cool.”
“Yeah.  She usually sends me a check of about $50 every year, but she usually does it around Christmastime… so for some reason I got it a couple months early.”
“Maybe she forgot what month it was.”
“Maybe.”
“So what are you going to do with the money?”
“I don’t know.  I was just going to save it.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, why?”
“Well, it’s not every day that you suddenly get a large check in the mail.”
“I suppose.”
“You should go buy something expensive for yourself.  Or go out on town and do something.”
“Yeah, I was thinking of saving it in case an emergency came up, though.”
“Oh.  In that case then…”
“…”
“…”
“Does that make me a boring person?”
“Yeah.”

7)

“You know why I feel like I’m so out of touch?”
“Why?”
“Cause I’m old.”
“You’re in your twenties.”
“Yeah, but I feel like the world’s changed a lot in the past few years and I somehow got lost in the shuffle. Everyone has their high tech phones and gadgets attached to their palms, and they get endless entertainment watching millions of stupid videos that some idiot posts. And they can pretty much watch any single movie that has ever existed at the touch of a button… and then they complain when there’s even the slightest hiccup.”
“Well… that’s how the world’s moving…”
“I mean, when I was younger… in order to watch something I wanted to watch, I had to check the local listings in the paper. And make time to watch it. And if I couldn’t make time, I’d have to set the VCR up to record at the given time—and watch that crappy VCR recording back at the first moment I could. And then if the VCR crapped out… then tough. You just had to keep checking the local listings.”
“Must have been a rough time for you.”
“Well, it wasn’t as easy as it is now.”
“Good thing, too.”
“God, I feel old…”
“You’re in your twenties.”

6)

“What should I be doing with my life?”
“I don’t know. Whatever you want.”
“Well, what do you think I should do?”
“Why are you asking me? Decide for yourself.”
“I thought that maybe you could decide for me...”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. It sounds like the easiest way to figure it out.”
“Umm, I don’t really think that’s the way it works.”
“Well, if it did… what would you have me do?”
“I don’t know… whatever you liked doing, I suppose.”
“Well yeah, but more realistically… what would you have me doing?”
“Are there no realistic possibilities for doing things you enjoy?”
“No.”
“Well then… I don’t know. Working in an office or something.”
“…that’s the most interesting thing you could come up with?”
“What the hell else was I supposed to suggest?”
“I don’t know. Something cooler…”
“You asked for something realistic…”
“…”
“…”
“Well, you’re no help.”
“Sorry.”

5)

"You know how whenever someone young dies unexpectedly, everyone seems to have nothing but glowing praise for the person?"
"Yeah?"
"Does that mean that being extraordinarily nice raises your chances of dying early?"
"No. People just say nice things about the deceased because it's more comforting to focus on the good memories..."
"Yeah, I think I'm right here."
"Whatever."
"So anyway, I was thinking about it... and I think the key to living a longer life is to be an insufferable dick to everyone."
"That's pretty silly."
"I mean, you never hear about 20 year old assholes dying in a tragic bus accident. So it has to be that death just likes sniping off people that are actually liked."
"I don't think you have anything to worry about..."
"So I think from now on, I'm going to just be an asshole--and then I'm going to live till I'm 100, and it's going to be great."
"I don't think that you actually have to-"
"Dude, shut the fuck up."

4)

"You know, I like this song."
"Yeah? I wouldn't have figured you'd be into The Velvet Underground."
"Uhh... the Velvet who?"
"Underground. Velvet Underground."
"I thought it was The Monkees."
"What? How the hell did you get them mixed up?"
"I don't know. It sounded pleasant like the Monkees."
"They didn't corner the market on pleasant sounding songs..."
"I know."
"And really, the two bands couldn't be further apart, so I don't know where--"
"Yeah, I don't really like this song anymore."

3)

"You see the game last night?"
"I did."
"Great win, huh?"
"Eh. I was sort of expecting them to lose."
"You sound disappointed."
"Well, it's like this: if you follow the sport as a drama--the whole narrative of the season has seemed to border on tragic. We start out strong, only to slowly start unraveling over the course of the rest of the season, and it seemed like the entire climax was building up to this moment where we'd get knocked out of the playoffs against our hated rivals. But it didn't happen like that."
"So?"
"In terms of story, it wasn't a very logical conclusion."
"...You don't really understand sports, do you?"

2)

"How does a person become happy?"
"How does a person become happy?"
"Yeah."
"I don't know--beer?"
"I don't drink."
"Maybe that's your problem."
"It's not. I'm being serious here."
"Well... I don't know. Usually people say that you have to figure out what you love to do and then devote yourself to that for the rest of your life."
"That's the thing. I don't really know what one thing is."
"I think it takes time to find out."
"I've been trying to find out my entire life."
"Well... I don't know, man. Maybe just do something that you're good at, and then maybe from there competence will breed passion."
"But I'm not really good at anything either."
"Well... Jesus... you're good at being miserable."
"Yeah."
"Derive any enjoyment from that?"
"A little."

1)

"You know, I'm starting to get the feeling that I'm not really all that likable."
"Why would you say that?"
"No one I know really wants to hang out with me. I call people up and they're always coming up with excuses as to why they're busy. Just about every single time."
"Maybe it's because they're actually busy?"
"I doubt that. It's just that no one wants to hang out with me. It's a little depressing."
"Well... I mean, I hang out with you..."
"Yeah, but... you're boring."